The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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