I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
