No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
