Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
