Who did Billy Mays play for?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
