its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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