had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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