My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
