This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
