But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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