I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
