We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
