I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
