Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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