Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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