I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Everything about him screamed your future.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
