She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
