Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
