i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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