my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
