Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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