I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You made out with two different species that night
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
