i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
this boner is exhausting
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
