Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
