i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
