I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
