i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
