Banned from zoo.
Again?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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