Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
