i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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