she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
So much rum. So many feels.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
