I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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