My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Two words: blizzard sex
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Randomize
