the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
