I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
