Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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