what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
