i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
