dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
