im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just gift wrapped bread.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
