I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
