I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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