wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
