ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
