I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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