cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
