Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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