That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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