I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
