what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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