woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
